Payback Ethic

One Hungarian value that this author and many foreigners noticed was something called the payback ethic. Throughout the world people will treat others in return the way they are treated, but Hungarians seem to take this farther than others. One person said, “It is hard to do a favor for Hungarians because once you do something significant for them they feel it is honorable to do something back, like they owe you for just treating them with favor. It seems they feel they have to repay a kindness to you even though you expect nothing.

On the other hand if someone does them wrong and does not apologize, they often will go to great lengths to hurt you in return if they think your intentions were to hurt them. However, before they do something like this they want to make sure that the person had bad intentions. They are willing to suffer an insult or injury if they do not feel it was personal or intentional. If they do feel it was, then they will go to great lengths to pay back.”

This may be true, as I also remember well a conversation with a person named Márta, and I said thank you for being so nice (kedves), you are really a great person. I will never forget her answer; “I am not such a great person. If someone is nice (kedves) to me, then I will be the same way with them. If not, then I will be to them worse than they are with me.”

A diplomat said, “The payback mentality exists both ways. If you do something good for someone they feel obligated to do something in return for you. Some bring it up and say, how could I repay? Hoping you will respond in some way to let them off the hook. They also have the expectation that bad must be repaid.”

A Latin American was amazed when he saw the payback ethic. His friend worked in a hotel with two other colleagues. Though they did not catch him, they were sure that one of the colleagues was stealing from the hotel and the missing money affected all of their pay. They said that the colleague who was stealing was obsessed with money and his dream was to quit the business and work in America where he could earn lots more money than in Hungary.

They developed an elaborate scheme to repay him. They asked an American friend to write a phony invitation from some business in America. They wanted it written that someone would meet him at the airport on a certain date and show him a place to live and get him started in his new job. They would have it mailed from America and he would quit his job, buy a plane ticket, and show up and no one would meet him. Everything on the letter would be fictional so if he would try to call or find the place he would be left there with nothing or no one.

The American friend refused to do it saying it was unethical as well as it was dishonest. The Hungarians said, “It is not unethical, it is right since he was unethical with us first. It is alright to be dishonest since he is dishonest with us!” Fortunately, the colleague stopped stealing. Interestingly enough the Hungarian willingness to forgive came through. Since he had stopped, the other two had mercy and understanding for him and were willing to work with him as normal and decided not to follow through with the plan.

An American whose father was a Hungarian immigrant said very emphatically, “In America, to be fair means to treat everyone the same. For a Hungarian, to be fair means you must treat everyone the way you think they deserve to be treated. That is how my father was, and that is how so many Hungarians are.”

This may even be rooted in the way many Hungarians view God. The proverb says, “In the same way God gives, He will take away.” “Amilyen az adjon Isten, olyan a fogadj Isten.” It simply means God also has the payback ethic. “This does not correspond, however with the words of Jesus on the cross about those who murdered Him, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

payback ethic, repaying kindness, reciprocating, fairness, morality, conscience, motives, ethic, Christian perspective