A Treatise on the Hungarian Cheek Kiss

Foremost, let us establish the fact that this is not written from a Hungarian point of view. No doubt, as small children, Hungarians are taught this overly familiar type of greeting and see nothing wrong with placing their lips on the cheeks of the most far-flung acquaintances.

Therefore, we must focus on the American expatriate community of Budapest to truly get an outsiders view of this proclivity of the Magyar natives.

First of all, by way of explanation - for those readers still in ignorance - the Hungarian cheek kiss is a common form of greeting among Hungarians. It consists of bobbing your head first to the left and then to the right of another person’s head. As you bob to each side you are supposed to “kiss” their left and then right cheeks. Meanwhile, the person opposite you is going through the very same ritual on you (i.e. kissing your cheeks).

Actual touching of lip to cheek appears to be optional - as do number of actual kisses - though two (one kiss for each cheek) seems to be the most common. Theoretically, I suppose that one could go on this way indefinitely until one’s lips gave out.

This form of greeting is not just reserved, as an expatriate might reasonably suppose, for one’s close friends and family. In Hungary, this homage to ones cheeks is given to all and sundry… a person you are introduced to at a party (kiss, kiss), man who walks my dog (kiss, kiss), random history teacher who I vaguely think has something to do with my children (kiss, kiss). This is disconcerting to an American expatriate on many levels, but what alarms us most is the invasion of our space bubble… which brings me to my next point.

Individuals of all cultures have a space bubble. A space bubble is that invisible circle around yourself, be it large or small that separates you from the outside world. Culturally, it is the distance between you and other people that you are comfortable with.

Some cultures have very large space bubbles, in Germany for example the space bubble includes no only the individual, but also the vehicle he is ridding in. For this reason, you never cross the street between cars in Germany, because - God forbid - you accidentally brush someone’s car with your coat.

In France, the space bubbles are so small as to be almost non-existent. A Frenchman could be pressed up against you on the sidewalk of a public area and unless he actually knocks you to the ground, he might not even acknowledge your presence - never mind apologize for flattening himself against you.

With the exception of the Germans however, it is said that Americans have one of the largest space bubbles. Most Americans like to keep a good 10-12 inches between themselves and anyone else. Americans will fore-go this space bubble, but usually only for very good reasons and none of those can be typed about here.

It is integral therefore, to understand that anyone coming inside of an American’s space bubble causes the expatriate immediate discomfort. Most of us however, do realize we are not in America and try to make the best of it. On the Metro for example, we realize that it is sometimes unavoidable to be shoved up under someone’s armpit. In such cases, though we may not grin, we do bear it. It is a completely other matter when someone whom you have just met approaches your face with their lips! To an American there is little difference between that and being kissed by the armpit guy on the metro.

It is not that we are against learning and honoring the customs of one’s culture, it is usually that no one thinks to warn us beforehand. The invasion of the space bubble is hard enough. Then, the fact that the kiss is usually completely unannounced is upsetting as it gives one very little time to mentally prepare oneself for the invasion of the aforementioned space bubble.

Lastly, even after we get used to this greeting, we will still brace ourselves, knowing what is coming. This is because we were not born to give this greeting. There is always that moment where are head bobs uncertainly as we take a mental moment to wonder if we go first to the left or to the right?

Then you must ask yourself… do I look like a snake as my head bobs here uncertainly?

cheek kiss, greeting, kissing, personal space, cultures, expatriate